The Medieval Mind in a Physical Body in a Time of Pandemic

I know I'm not the only one who has gained weight in this time of pandemic.  My weight was on an upward swing even before the pandemic.

When it became clear that it would be some time before I'd be going back to spin class or any other gym-based approach, I decided to try to mix some more high intensity activity with my walking.  It's hard for me to walk fast enough to get my heart rate up.  So I jog a bit.

Last week, I jogged 2.5 miles without stopping.  Hurrah!

But instead of focusing on this accomplishment, I can't seem to snap myself out of this mindset of body loathing.  But if we're honest, I haven't ever been far away from this mindset--only when I'm at my thinnest, which is usually when I'm at my most athletic, can I seem to rest a bit easier.  And I'm never fully at home in my body.  I joke that I have a medieval mindset, in that I feel like I'm a soul trapped in a physical cage--I joke, but it's not far from the truth.

Recently, I was reading an article about how menopause is similar to adolescence.  The article focused primarily on hormonal changes at both parts of the life cycle with very little analysis of the physical changes that the hormonal changes create.  I've been thinking about how they are similar, and for me, the surrounding culture feels similar to.

I turned 13 in 1978, and the geopolitical changes then feel similar to those we're facing in our current day.  My teenage years saw a hostage crisis in Iran, various other hostage crises, international flares that led many of us to worry about war, and a feeling that the U.S. had lost status in the world.  These days are very similar.

I came of age during the AIDS crisis, and now, we have a different pandemic.  The mindset, however, feels similar:  the hope for a cure and a vaccine, the sense that what we don't know is greater than what we know, the mourning for those gone too soon.

And my physical situation feels similar.  Then I might have some night sweats, and I'd wonder about AIDS--now I wonder about COVID-19.  In all instances, I need to have a thermostat set lower, but I rarely lower it as low as I would like because I'm living with others.

The more important similarity for me is not knowing what body I'll be in during any given day.  Will it be the one that's agile or the one that's klutzy?  Will it be the one that has pain or not?  How much weight might I have gained overnight?  Will it be the body that demands we eat all the homemade baked goods at once or the one that can ration out the sweets--or more rarely, the one that feels no pull towards the treat?

We could debate whether I'm feeling this way because of menopause or because of being unsettled by a global pandemic or because of work stress or because of elements of aging that aren't menopausal (like the arthritis in my feet).  But truth be told, I've always felt this way for much of my life.  In some ways, it's not as disconcerting as it might be.