Unbroken Arm

I didn't have much writing time yesterday.  In addition to the arrival of the tile team, I wanted to get to the walk in clinic when it opened.  No, not because of my cold, which was on the wane.  No, I wanted to get to the EmergeOrtho clinic, where I knew they had x-rays machines and would use them.  I could have the answers I needed in the same day, without a reference.

This may be the most beautiful picture I will ever have of my body:

An hour later, I texted my spouse:  "NOT BROKEN!!!!"

You might wonder why I thought my arm was broken.  Wouldn't I know?  But since I broke my wrist and so misjudged the injury, I haven't exactly trusted myself.  I shattered my wrist, but it didn't hurt much, so I assumed it was O.K.  On the contrary, it required a difficult surgery; my hand surgeon said, "I expected it to be difficult, but it was even worse than I thought."  Happily, I am mostly recovered from that injury.

Two weeks ago, I slipped and fell down a few stairs.  I felt it in my hip and hindquarter, but it's well padded.  I also knew that I had thwacked my arm in a hard, hard way.  A lump the size of an egg immediately swelled up, but no bone was poking through.  I could move my arm in every direction.  I decided to wait and see.

The next morning, I still had a lump with a skinned patch and a ghastly bruise.  But I still had full mobility, so I thought I was O.K.  Two weeks later, I still have a lump.

But what really concerned me was the bruising that kept changing shape.  Each morning, I had new bruising up and down my forearm, which made me wonder.  I knew that this kind of bruising could be a symptom of a break.  Of course, it could also be a symptom of the body taking care of a hematoma or a bruised bone or a sprain.

I started waking up in the middle of the night because of arm pain.  I spent an hour or two in the middle of the night, feeling anxious, which often spiraled into a meditation on all the stupid decisions I've ever made, all the ways I've screwed up my life.

These are 2 a.m. thoughts, not rational thoughts, and I know the difference between the two.  It's still hard to silence my brain when it heads down that spiral.  I woke up yesterday knowing that I wanted some answers, the kind that comes from an x-ray and a person with medical training.

I went to EmergeOrtho when I broke my wrist and ignored it for a week, hoping it would get better.  They were kind and professional.  They were kind and professional 2 years ago, when it was clear that I should have gotten answers earlier, and they were kind and professional yesterday, when they didn't make me feel stupid for wanting to know for sure that my arm is healing.

I'm also grateful for my insurance.  I had insurance two years ago, very expensive insurance that I had to COBRA from my old job.  That insurance was changed by my former employers, and they didn't tell me.  When I fell, I didn't have an insurance card because I still didn't have the right people making the right affirmations that I did indeed have insurance.

Even with that insurance that cost me $1200.00 a month, my broken wrist ended up costing me at least $8,000 in co-pays and the amount I had to pay before insurance kicked in.  Staggering.

Yesterday's walk-in clinic experience cost $75.00--money well spent.  Last night I slept a full 8 hours, in part because of exhaustion, in part because my cold has finally left me, but in larger part, because I didn't wake up anxious in the middle of the night.