Ghosts and All the Past Goals that Haunt Us

I have spent a week trying to write a poem about Cassandra deciding that she won't predict politics anymore.  I've put some Civil War ghosts into the poem.  I've noted that she's the first to notice the turning of the leaves, and she knows the hour in the night that crickets stop calling to each other.  The poem has yet to come together, but it continues to percolate.

It's easier when a poem comes to me in one big rush, but these days, I'm grateful for poetry in any form.  These days, I'm feeling like a pale shadow of the writer that I used to be.  I am still starting most days by writing a blog post or two--and during the school year, I'm doing a lot of academic writing.

In short, I am still writing a lot, but it's not the kind of writing that will likely be remembered.  I remind myself that most of us aren't doing the kind of writing that will be anthologized in 100 years, if humanity is still around to create anthologies of great literature in 100 years.  I remind myself of writers like Dorothy Wordsworth, who wrote journals that were only valued for their insight into the writing of Coleridge and William Wordsworth, until feminist scholars saw something different.  Her journals wouldn't have survived for feminist scholars to see something different, had she not been connected to male writers valued for other reasons.

This morning, I reposted a blot post about the feast day of Mary and Martha and Lazarus.  I thought about the magazine editor who reached out to ask me if she could republish it; of course I said yes.  When I think about publishing, I've probably had more publications because of blog posts than because of a traditional submitting process.

In some ways, my thinking about myself as a writer/artist/creative person in the world mirrors my thinking about myself as a woman growing older.  I saw a picture of me in 2011, and I was thunderstruck at how thin I was.  I reminded myself that it was after a summer of concentrated trying to be lose weight:  a weight loss challenge at the gym, a chunk of money paid, consultations and keeping track and limiting calories and working out 2-3 hours most days.  And I kept the bulk of the weight off until the past year.  Do I want to do that again or do I want to focus on other priorities?

I think of how many publications I had in the early years of submitting.  I wanted publications, so I submitted a lot.  I thought/hoped publications might lead to bigger dreams coming true:  a different teaching job with a lighter load, a book length publication, a movie deal (dream big, right?).

I look at my current life.  Yes, I could be thinner, and I do plan to shed some of this weight.  Yes, I could publish more, and I do plan to keep submitting here and there.  But I also want to finish my MDiv by May of 2025.  

On that note, I'm bringing this writing to a close so that I can go on a hike with Create in Me friends.  It's one of our last chances of the summer.  In 9 days, I report back to work, and most of my hiking windows close until December.  On a brighter note, it's work at a school that's the kind of teaching job I hoped to win back in the days when I submitted on a much fiercer schedule.