Aging in 30 Year Increments

When I was in my 20's, I didn't expect to ever miss being in my 20's.  The parts of being in my 20's that I do miss, now that I am 54 years old, are not what I would have expected to miss.

When I was 24, I thought that 54 year old Kristin would miss her younger body.  But since I've always had a love-hate relationship with my body, I thought I would miss my less wrinkled face and my younger hair color.  At 54, my face just has a crease here or there, and my hair has enough colors, as it always has, that the greys blend in.

Yesterday I felt pain in my shoulders and realized I had spent a week or two with my shoulders squinched up around my ears because of stress and anxiety.  That was my everyday posture in my 20's.  Happily, it is not my posture these days.

I miss the non-arthritic feet of my 20's, and the back that could go for a run shortly after rising.  But my legs and arms are still strong, and the pain in my back does ease at some point during the day.  I am grateful for spin class, which gives me a way to get a vigorous work-out without the ruinous impact on the joints of the long distance running of my youth.

What I miss most about my 20's is the sense of hope in the future, a multi-faceted future where the main difficulty I had was deciding what bright and shiny path to follow.  I'm also certain that when I was in my 20's, as now, I felt a crippling fear of making the wrong choice, missing opportunities, and such.  I'm pretty sure the 84 year old Kristin will miss the opportunities and wide vistas that 54 year old Kristin had.

I also miss the newness of my marriage that I had in my 20's.  We'd been together long enough that I no longer had that fear of screwing up. There was the hope for the future. We were still new enough to each other that we were romantic and worked hard to keep each other.

Now it's just grinding day after grinding day--no one's fault, but I miss being younger--having more time.

I don't exactly want my spouse to be different. I just want our lives to be different. I still have hope that life can be different, but exhaustion at the thought of making it different.

The one comfort that I have is that most people I know, of all ages and across the economic spectrum, are feeling the same way.  We're all exhausted.

Let me share a benediction, a prayer like hope:  Let us remember all the ways we love each other and the good qualities we have, even if they're not the qualities we wish we had.  Let us be aware of all the blessings that we have, no matter what age we're in.  Let the sorrow for what has passed away move through us quickly, leaving us grateful for what remains and hopeful for all that we have yet to discover.  Let us be alert to the possibility of discovering new hope and yet undiscovered delights, no matter what our current age and circumstances.