Disorienting

Last night, we had dinner on the porch.  A cool front had come through, and it was delightful to be outside, unlike the last time we ate on the porch, in the hot days after Hurricane Irma.  It was good to be on the porch, good to see children on bikes and grown-ups walking dogs.  In short, it was good to remember why we once loved this neighborhood, and why I hope to love it again.

We talked about our decision to move to this neighborhood and how the hurricane had been so disorienting.  If a category 3 hurricane--or even category2--had come ashore on the east coast of South Florida, the damage that we had would be less of a surprise.

Should we have been surprised at the damage?  We did move to a flood zone near the coast, after all.  I still say that we are within our rights to be surprised.  I did research on the flood history of the house--it's never had flooding like this, at least not flooding that was submitted for an insurance claim.

I've latched onto that word disorienting.  I've thought about all the ways we can become disoriented--all the ways it could be positive, even though right now I'm finding it to be exhausting.

I'm thinking of those first months of grad school.  I thought that grad school would be like the best days of my undergrad classes.  It was not.   How do we deal with the inevitable disappointment?  Do we drop out because it's not a good fit?

I'm not sure that I ever felt that grad school was a good fit, although I did find my place there.  I could use that experience as a metaphor/explanation/description of much of my life.  Maybe the idea that we're supposed to feel that something is a good fit is a lie our culture gives us.

But I also know what it is to feel at home, to feel like one has found one's tribe after a long sojourn in the wilderness.  I'm thinking about some of my retreat communities, some of the places that have spiritual meaning for me.

I know that times of being disoriented can lead us to a place of better fit, a place where we feel more at home.  I continue to hope that this post-hurricane time that has been so disorienting will be one of those gateway times.